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It was great. I remember thinking, ‘I’m not just a kid anymore!’ I loved it!

John, age 26

It was strange. I was tired all the time and sleeping a lot. I wasn’t really sure what was happening to me.

Bill, age 19

People make it sound like it’s a big dramatic thing that all of a sudden happens one day. It’s not like that. It’s not like some man pops up and says, ‘Hey, kid, this is it. Now it’s going to happen to you.’

Jackson, age 33

It seemed like I woke up one day and everything had changed. I was a different person in a different body.

Sam, age 35

Even though they had very different things to say about it, all these men are talking about the same thing – puberty.* Puberty is a time in people’s lives when their bodies are changing from children’s bodies into adults’ bodies. As you can see a boy’s body changes quite a lot as he goes through puberty. For one thing, he gets taller. Of course, we grow taller all through childhood. But during puberty a boy grows tall at a faster rate than he will ever again in his life. During this growth spurt he may gain as many as 130 mm (5 in) or more in height in one year.

The general shape of his body changes too, so that his shoulders become broader and his hips seem narrower in comparison. His muscles develop and his body strength increases. His entire body begins to look more ‘manly’. Hair grows in places where it never grew before – around his penis, under his arms and on his face. His penis and his scrotum, the sac of skin just beneath his penis, get bigger. At the same time that these changes are happening on the outside of his body, other changes are taking place on the inside of his body.

For some boys these changes happen so fast that they seem to take place overnight. But they don’t really happen that quickly. Puberty happens gradually, over a period of months or years. These changes may start when a boy is as young as 10 or may not happen until he is 15 or older. Regardless of when they start for you, you’ll probably have a lot of questions about what is happening to your body.

‘We’ are my friend Dane and I. The two of us worked together to make this book. About a year before we wrote this book, my daughter, Area, and I wrote another book, a lot like this one, about how puberty happens in girls’ bodies. (It’s called What’s Happening to My Body?: A Growing up Guide for Parents and Daughters.) Even though I’m a medical writer and teach classes about puberty and know a lot of scientific facts about puberty, I thought it would be a good idea to get my daughter’s help in writing the girls’ book. She was going through puberty herself at the time. Of course, I had been through puberty too, but it was a long time ago. I was 36 when Area and I wrote the girls’ book and, to tell you the truth, I wasn’t really sure I could think back across all those years and remember the kinds of feelings and questions I had then. I reckoned Area could give me the young person’s point of view on things. So I talked her into writing the girls’ book with me, and I guess we did a pretty good job because Esther Margolis, the woman who published the girls’ book, said, ‘Why don’t you do a book about boys and puberty?’

I thought that sounded like a good idea and, once again, I wanted to get a young person’s point of view. It seemed especially important for this book because I’m a woman, and I don’t have first-hand knowledge of how puberty happens in a boy’s body. I don’t have a son, so I decided to find a boy who I knew really well and who felt comfortable enough with me and with himself to work on a book like this. That’s when I thought of Dane. Dane’s mother, Katie, and I have been good friends for years and years, and I’ve known Dane ever since he barely came up to my knees. (He’s way past my knees now. In fact, he’s 15 and 1.8 m (6 ft) tall and I have to stick my nose up in the air when I want to talk to him.)

Dane thought the idea of doing this book sounded good too, so he agreed to provide the young person’s point of view. He read over the various parts of the book and told me when I’d written something really stupid or when I’d forgotten to explain something or when what I’d said was confusing or unclear. And we both talked to lots of men and boys to find out what happened to them during puberty, how they felt about it and what kinds of questions and concerns they had at the time. You’ll hear their voices throughout this book. Some of the quotes we’ve used are from pupils in my classes. During the school year I teach a class in puberty at Sequoyah School in Pasadena, California. The boys and girls in my classes and the men and boys Dane and I talked to had a lot of questions and a lot of things to say about puberty. So, in a sense, they too helped write this book.

When I first started teaching classes about puberty, I decided that the best way to begin was to talk about how babies are made, because the changes that happen in our bodies during puberty happen because we are getting ready for a time when we may decide to make babies.

I didn’t think I’d have any big problems in teaching the thoughts about puberty with class. ‘Nothing to it,’ I told myself. I’ll just go on in there and start by talking to the children about how babies are made. Probably I’ll have to draw some pictures on the blackboard to help explain things, and maybe I don’t draw really well, but we’ll manage.’

‘No problem,’ I told myself.

I was so wrong! I’d hardly even opened my mouth before everyone, or almost everyone, in the class started behaving in such a crazy way. They were giggling and nudging one another and getting red in the face. One boy even fell off his chair. People were behaving in all sorts of strange ways because, in order to talk about how babies are made, I had to talk about sex, and sex, as you may have noticed, is a very loaded subject. Young people in fact, people of all ages – often act embarrassed, giggly or secretive when the subject of sex comes up.

Even the word itself is confusing because ‘sex’ can mean so many different things and is used in so many different ways. In its simplest meaning, sex refers to the different kinds of bodies that men and women have. There are a lot of differences between male and female bodies, but one of the most obvious is that a male has a penis and a scrotum, and a female has a vulva and a vagina. These body parts, or organs (organ is another word for body part), are called sex organs. People belong to either the male sex or the female sex, depending on which type of sex organs they have.

The word sex is also used in other ways. We may say that two people are ‘having sex’. Having sex, or having sexual intercourse, involves a man putting his penis into a woman’s vagina. Or we may say that two people are ‘being sexual with each other’, which means that they are having sexual intercourse or that they are holding, touching or caressing each other’s sexual organs. We may say that we are ‘feeling sexual’, which means that we are having feelings or thoughts about our sexual organs, about being sexual with another person or about having sexual intercourse.

Our sex organs are very private parts of our bodies. We usually keep them covered up, and we don’t talk about them in public very often. Having sex, being sexual with someone or having sexual feelings are also private matters that don’t get talked about very often. I suppose that if I’d had half a brain in my head, I would have realized that coming into a classroom and talking about sex and penises and vaginas and making babies and all the things that people don’t usually talk about was going to cause a big commotion.

After that first class, though, I caught on. I decided that if we were going to get all silly and giggly when we talked about these things in class, we might as well get really silly and giggly.

Puberty (PEW-bur-lee)-The word puberty is pronounced with the accent on the first part of the word, pew. You say this part of the word with the most emphasis. Throughout this book, there are a number of words that you may not have heard before.

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Here are a few such plants with their virtues and their method of preparation. Most are taken as infusions, i.e. herb teas.

Aniseed

A heart tonic. Activates the parasympathetic nervous system and accelerates hormone secretion. Mild mood elevator.

Infuse 10 to 15 grams of dried seed in 1 litre of water. Drink 2 to 4 cups a day.

One can also macerate 15 g of aniseed in 250 g of 90° alcohol, and drink a liqueur glass full of the spirit before meals.

Cayenne pepper

This can be taken two ways:

local application of the fresh juice to the scrotum,

a pinch of the dried powder taken in a spoonful of liquid

honey.

Cinnamon

Gentle stimulant of the gonads without any dangerous overstimulation.

Infuse 10 to 15 g of cinnamon in half a litre of water. Sweeten with honey. Take after all three meals.

Hot wine with cinnamon: add a little powdered cinnamon to a little hot red wine. Drink fifteen minutes before making love.

Clove

This plant contains cheirantine, which acts directly on the urinary tract; the corpora cavernosa of the penis swell by reflex action. This means it is not an aphrodisiac in the true sense, but rather a way of producing an erection.

5 g of leaf and root to 1 litre of water. Drink a coffee cup full after each meal.

Coriander

Improves blood circulation in the pelvis. Can have undesirable side effects: do not take to excess.

Mix 3 g of powered coriander with a teaspoon of honey and allow it to melt in the mouth. Once a day at breakfast time.

Fennel

Use in moderation, as high doses of fennel seed may induce hallucinations or nervous attacks.

Infuse 10 g fennel seed in half a litre of water. Drink one cup after all three meals.

Or: 4-6 drops of tincture of fennel on half a sugar lump, or 2-3 drops of the essential oil on half a sugar lump, taken half an hour before making love.

Gentian

This stimulates and regulates the gonads. It thus has an aphrodisiac effect on inhibited people, and calms those with tendencies toward priapism or nymphomania.

Use with caution: at high doses it can have disagreeable side effects.

10-15 g infused in 1 litre of water, taken at breakfast and in the late afternoon.

Or: 5 drops of the full strength tincture on half a sugar cube at bedtime.

Ginseng

The stimulant, tonic and aphrodisiac effects of ginseng have been praised for the past two thousand years. No other plant contains so many active ingredients in such a balanced, synergetic combination. Ginseng is also effective against stress, which is a further advantage given the importance of the psyche in sexual relations.

12-50 drops of the full-strength tincture in a quarter glass of water, to be taken three times a day: on rising, at 11 a.m. and around 4 p.m.

Or: 10-35 drops of fluid extract to a quarter glass of water, to be taken half an hour before meals.

Or: 1 to 3 capsules of ginseng root powder to a quarter glass of water, morning and afternoon.

Goat’s rue

This is not an aphrodisiac. We include it here because it contains a substance that increases the size of the breasts, and so indirectly increases the libido of the woman and her partner.

Infuse 20 g of the whole plant or 10 g of the seed in 1 litre of water. Drink three times a day.

Can be replaced by 15-20 drops of the full strength tincture in a quarter of a glass of water.

Greater celandine

Use with caution, as it contains several alkaloids that are effective but must not be taken in excess.

Infuse 10 grams of the plant in 1 litre of water. Drink 1 cup morning and afternoon.

Or: macerate 10 g of celandine root in 1 litre of dry white wine and drink a glass before each meal.

Hemlock

This is quite the opposite of an aphrodisiac, but it may be recommended on medical advice in cases of nymphomania or epilepsy.

In cases of impotence or frigidity, a homeopath may prescribe Conium maculatum.

Horseradish

This is a general restorative and tonic. It also contains allyl sulphocyanate, which has a reflex action on the muscle fibres of the perineum, penis and clitoris.

Infusion of 30 g of the fresh root or decoction of 20 g of same per litre of water. One to three cupfuls per day.

Larkspur

Reduces congestion in the genital area. Normalizes libido in hyper-emotional individuals.

Make a decoction of 5 g of seed per litre of water. Drink 1 cup morning and afternoon.

To reduce congestion in the prostate, apply a hot poultice to the perineum.

Maize

Improves blood circulation in the pelvic area.

Boil 200 g of maize in 1 litre of water and strain; drink one cup of the water on rising and at bedtime.

Or: make a syrup with 15 g maize beard extract to half a litre of diluted syrup. Take 1 tablespoonful after each meal.

Mistletoe

Besides its stimulant effect, mistletoe is known to improve arteriosclerosis, which makes it “a miracle plant” for older men with problems of unexpected erection failure. But beware! it is dangerous at high doses.

Infuse 15 g of leaf in 1 litre of water; drink one to three times a day.

Or: a pinch of dried and powdered leaf, mixed with 1 spoonful of liquid honey.

Oats

Improves circulation in the pelvis. Reduces congestion in the pelvic and genital area.

Infuse 10 g of oat straw in 1 litre of water. Drink two or three cups a day.

Or: drink the strained water from boiling 20 g of oat seeds in 1 litre of water. Sweeten with brown sugar.

Parsley

Parsley contains apiol, which produces a slight local irritation of the urinary tract, leading to prolonged reflex erections.

Warning: avoid prolonged use or doses higher than those recommended below.

Chew eight to ten fresh stems daily (as chewing gum).

Or: 60 g of fresh root per litre of water, taken once a day as a decoction.

Peppermint

It is dangerous to use the pure menthol extracted from the plant. Only use extracts or preparations made from the whole plant. They augment tactile sensitivity and automatic reflexes such as erection.

Infuse 15 g in 1 litre of water; drink after meals.

Or: take 3 drops of essential oil on half a sugar cube, fifteen minutes before making love.

Caution: peppermint is incompatible with homeopathic medicines.

Pepper tree

Contains phellandrin, which stimulates the erectile muscles of the penis and clitoris.

Take 2-4 drops of the essential oil on half a sugar lump. Let it melt slowly in the mouth, half an hour before making love.

Persicaria

The organic acids of this plant stimulate the neurovegetative nervous system and have a positive action on the erectile conjunctive tissues of the genital organs. Do not exceed the doses recommended below.

Infuse 10 g in 1 litre of water; drink after all three meals.

Or: 15 drops of the full strength tincture in a quarter glass of water, morning and afternoon.

St John’s Wort

This plant has an aphrodisiac effect because its tannins excite the parasympathetic nervous system, especially in the genital area.

Infuse 10 g in 1 litre of water; drink after meals.

Or: macerate 20 g of the dried flowers or entire plant in 1 litre of dry white wine. Drink one glass.

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In contrast to troilism (the threesome – see next section), mate-swapping is often an occasional thrill that may not even be premeditated. The practice is mainly found among mature couples who are otherwise happy and settled together but who find their sex life is getting monotonous: they have tried everything, perversions included, and are running out of new possibilities.

They will have fantasized about swapping partners; they will have talked about it, perhaps only in conversation, perhaps as a sexual build-up.

One evening they have another happy couple to dinner, a couple they have known for years. After the meal – with plenty of wine – they start to dance, each man’s wife with the other woman’s husband. No harm in that.

They are dancing by candlelight. Smoochy music, dancing cheek to cheek … suddenly one pair find themselves alone: the others have slipped upstairs to the bedroom. The dancing couple exchange conspiratorial glances. With the other two making love just overhead, it’s only natural to do the same …

This is the classic scenario for a first experience of mate-swapping.

Mate-swapping depends on a certain intimacy between the two couples – which is not at all the case with an orgy, for example. Here there is no voyeurism or exhibitionism; it is a sincere, sensual, tender union. Nobody feels they are cheating on their partner.

Occasional, fortuitous experiments of this kind cannot be considered a perversion because the couples involved are united and stay united. The situation is different with couples who seek out occasions for mate-swapping as a way of saving a moribund marriage, or drawn by the thought of new sensations. Here the scenario is quite different:

For example, a couple may put a small ad in a specialist magazine, exchange photos, select a couple and set up a meeting. Or they may get in the car and head for a district that is known as a meeting place for swappers. Contact is established and everyone ends up in a hotel or the home of one of the couples.

As a rule, swapping with strangers leaves the swappers disappointed, dissatisfied or frankly disgusted, as a man feels after a session with a prostitute. No sex is better than sex without love.

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No other caress enables a woman to reach orgasm as easily and rapidly as cunnilingus. The sensations it arouses are irresistible.

Homosexual women have an advantage over heterosexuals here: when a woman sucks another woman’s genitals she knows exactly what to do and where, because she knows what she feels herself when she is at the receiving end.

A man finds it hard to imagine, and he also often feels rather helpless with genital parts that are so small and soft. A woman does not have this problem in stimulating her partner’s penis. This is why it is so important for a woman not to be afraid to guide her partner as he explores her genitals, encouraging him with words and telling him what she wants.

The first thing is not to rush. Take your time, or your woman will get the impression you are merely doing a necessary preliminary job before moving on to more serious matters.

First kiss all the secondary erogenous zones, let your tongue stroll over her breasts, belly and thighs. Pull the pubic hairs with your lips.

Now concentrate more on the crucial zone. Slide your tongue along the outer labia. Separate them and, if you are in a comfortable position, take each of the inner labia between two fingers of one hand, or ask your partner to do it for you.

Now you can see the entrance to the vagina. Tickle it with the tip of your tongue, poke it in a little way. Lick the whole surface of the outer labia. Even though you have not yet touched the clitoris, it is already aroused by your licking caresses. It has filled with blood the way your penis does. Rub your tongue up and down the shaft.

Now you can move on to the button, the tip of the clitoris that just peeks out from the hood – very gently, because it is extremely sensitive. You can lift the hood a little with your fingers. Gently caress the button with your tongue. Turn your tongue around it or give it quick little tongue-flicks.

Close your lips gently round the button, suck in and stroke it gently, gently with your tongue. Continue as long as your partner wants, then continue your caresses moving down towards the vagina.

Throughout these oral caresses, let your hands fondle your partner’s body all over, including the sexual parts your tongue is not immediately busy with. Insert a finger or two into your partner’s vagina if she likes, and rub the inside, the G spot especially if you can find it.

It will take a while, sometimes ten to fifteen minutes, before an orgasm occurs. When it is imminent, the woman’s pelvis often thrusts involuntarily, and she cannot hold back her moans. Often her voice changes so that you will not recognize it.

At this point you and your partner have a choice:

If your penis is stiff enough, you can stop the cunnilingus and penetrate.

Or you can carry on sucking to the point of orgasm, which is always extraordinarily violent; your partner will cry out and sometimes positively yell.

Or, if you are expert in oral sex, you can slow down your stimulation without stopping it completely, and try to keep you partner at this pre-orgasmic stage as long as possible.

N.B.: It is important to know that the clitoris needs to be stimulated for a long time before it reaches the pre-orgasmic stage, but when you stop stimulating it, even for thirty seconds, it will return to normal very quickly, and it will take a good many minutes to work it up to the pre-orgasmic stage again.

On the other hand, whereas the penis needs quite a long time to recuperate after orgasm, before it is capable of another erection, the clitoris can be stimulated again and again, giving a whole series of orgasms each as violent as the last.

Nymphomania, a pathological state that has no equivalent among men, is the direct consequence of women’s capacity for multiple orgasms.

Cunnilingus can be combined with any fantasies the couple can think up. One classic is the tube of condensed milk, which the man squeezes out onto the woman’s labia and then laps up, his tongue moving up from vagina to clitoris. Some women with slightly less sensitive genital parts prefer blackberry or gooseberry jam in place of the milk, as the pips provide a delightful stimulation for the labia and clitoris.

Cunnilingus can be practised in a number of positions.

- The woman lies on one side and bends one knee up. This is a comfortable position allowing her to suck her man

at the same time. But the vaginal entrance is not very-accessible, and this limits the possibilities.

-    The woman lies on her back, legs wide, the man on elbows and knees above her with his penis above her mouth.

Variant: man underneath, woman on top. This is the ideal position for simultaneous cunnilingus and fellatio.

Variant: rather than kneeling over her, the man is beside her, leaning on one hip and one elbow. Rather than sucking his penis, the woman puts a hand between his thighs to caress it.

The woman upright, knees slightly bent, and the man on his knees in front of her. This is not a very comfortable position (perhaps best kept for moments of acute desire in small spaces such as lifts and toilets!). Sometimes appreciated by women who like the dominant role.

The woman on her back, knees bent high and wide, buttocks at the edge of bed or table. The man kneels on the floor. The perfect position, as the woman’s genitals are fully accessible.

The woman on hands and knees at the edge of a bed. The man kneeling on the floor, approaching from the rear. Not a very satisfactory position because one cannot lick the clitoris from base to tip. The only advantage is that it provides access to the anus and perineum.

Your choice of position is a matter of personal taste. The most refined lovers prefer to stimulate each other in turn. It is quite hard to concentrate on one’s own pleasure and the other person’s at the same time. This is especially true if you want to follow right through to orgasm; the man is often frustrated because his partner is so overcome at that moment that she involuntarily stops stimulating his penis.

If the couple choose not to practise both forms of oral sex simultaneously, it is worth considering who should begin.

The best solution is cunnilingus first, fellatio second, for a number of reasons.

In the first place, after a clitoral orgasm or any other kind, a woman experiences a long euphoric phase, a good time for caressing and fondling her partner’s genitals. A man, by contrast, feels exhausted for a moment after orgasm, and is less motivated to stimulate his partner.

Another reason is psychological, a question of satisfaction for both sexes. It is natural and agreeable for a woman to want to thank her partner by fellating him. And it is equally agreeable for a man to feel rewarded for the pleasure he has just given his lover.

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The excitement phase

This is the foreplay stage, when the woman’s lover kisses and fondles her, or she fondles herself, on all the erogenous zones of her body. It is too often forgotten, too, that the caresses the woman gives her partner, especially with her mouth around his genitals, contribute to his arousal too.

During this phase, there is a rush of blood into the whole genital area. The inner labia and the clitoris swell slightly. The vagina increases in length and the opening gets larger. Natural lubricant wets the vaginal walls.

Sometimes other parts of the body redden briefly, too. The erogenous zones become more sensitive and the first diffuse sensations of pleasure begin to be felt.

The plateau phase

This is the phase before orgasm, and it must never be neglected. Very many men penetrate their partner as soon as her vagina feels wet enough to make it easy. On the contrary: both partners should carry on stimulating each other at this stage. Men often misinterpret certain signs. For example, some sec the retraction of the clitoris into its hood as equivalent to the detumescence of the penis after orgasm – but in fact it is a sign that orgasm is approaching.

This plateau phase, so often neglected, is of great importance for two reasons:

If the penis is introduced into the vagina too early on, at the beginning of the plateau stage, the woman’s pleasure is very likely to be incomplete. She will rarely reach an intense orgasm.

This is the phase that can give most pleasure to experienced partners. Orgasm itself is very short-lived for a man and fairly brief for a woman – and it cannot be prolonged. But both partners can adjust their caresses at the plateau stage to spin out the intense pleasure it brings – a lighter touch will help postpone the “point of no return” beyond which orgasm inevitably comes only too fast.

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